is this real life?


There’s this girl. She’s not quite like the rest. She makes me feel things I’ve never felt before in my entire life. When I’m around her I just get this feeling that I want to be a better person, the best version of myself, because that’s what she deserves.

Everything just seems easier with her. She gives off this positive energy, making anything seem possible if you just believe it is.

I’ve always talked about needing a “spark”, with her this spark was instant.

The moment my eyes met her, I knew.

I was unsure at first if this was all just a fantasy, something I was hoping would happen. So many little signs, I didn’t know if I was imagining this connection between us or if it was real. Sharing laughs in the backseat of the car, amazed by her beautiful smile. Taking shots of liquor I don’t even like, but it was alright because I was doing them with her. When she mentioned having a partner, I was hesitant to do anything about the way I felt, I started to believe it was all just in my head, that this connection was something I was making up. That first night we spent together, drunk, laying side by side. I couldn’t help but try something, putting my arm around her to fall asleep. Something so small, but seemed like such a big deal.

The next day I acted as if nothing had happened, I still couldn’t tell if this was all just in my head, something I was exaggerating. I spent that day puking because of that god damn vodka, but it was worth every shot to be with her. I lay there thinking about her, thinking about laying next to her, wanting to live in that moment. When she came back she said “I missed you”. Was this a sign? Of course I said it back, still not knowing if this was just her friendly personality or if it really meant something. That night again we lay side by side, although on different mattresses we lay on the edges, to be as close as possible. My mind is racing, is she laying this close to me on purpose, or am I just crazy? She has a full mattress, why lay so close to the edge, so close to me?

Nah, I’m just crazy, this isn’t real.

Bumping elbows and legs throughout the night, putting my hand close to hers, just hoping, wishing for a touch. I wake up again the next morning, thinking this must be my imagination running wild. This isn’t possible, there’s nothing between us.

Then I offer for her to stay with me, not thinking I would make a move, just wanting to be kind. She accepts, I’m happy. That night she sleeps on the couch downstairs, me upstairs. She says if I’m uncomfortable we can go half and half on her couch. What does this mean? This must mean something right? She’s gotta be into me too.

Nah, I’m just crazy.

I lay awake upstairs, thinking of those words over and over again. Does she really mean this, does she actually want me to lay next to her? It can’t be true, it’s too good to be true, it’s just my imagination, my mind just scrambling her words. I’m too nervous to act on it, still hesitant.

The next day we take the bus. She mentions her partner being upset that she is staying with me. Should he be upset I wonder? Could something actually happen between us?

Nah, I’m just crazy.

She falls asleep, leaning her body against me, resting her head on my shoulder. Is this on purpose or am I just overthinking? I want to get closer, rest my head on hers, but I can’t, I’m still unsure, still too nervous. A couple days later something happens. We drink more of that god damn vodka, sharing laughs, having a great time. It’s late, we go to bed. She lays up in my single bed and I lay on the spare mattress. Still thinking nothing could possibly happen between us I lay awake, thinking about what could be. All of sudden she says “Is it bad that I want to lay with you?”. Of course not, It’s everything I want. I don’t actually say that out loud, but I move over and she lays with me. Too shy to actually make a move, we cuddle and fall asleep. In the morning I wake up and realize she’s still next to me. I can’t believe this is happening. I put my arm around her slowly, trying not to wake her up. I want to kiss her, but I’m still unsure. Maybe it was just the alcohol, this can’t be real right?

Nah, I’m just crazy.

All day I can’t get her off my mind, I can’t focus at work, I’m just thinking about her, playing through scenarios in my head of what could have happened if I made a move. But I still think this is just my imagination running wild.

There’s no way this can actually happen.

I day dream of laying with her that night, will she crawl into bed with me again, now that she is sober? Will I finally build up the courage to make a move, to finally kiss her? Still unsure, still hesitant, still nervous. That night we start off in separate beds but she moves down and crawls in with me. Is this actually going to happen? Am I not crazy? We lay face to face, and we close our eyes to fall asleep. I can’t help but open my eyes and see if this is actually possible, if it’s not just me feeling these feelings. She’s staring right back at me with the cutest smile and I smile back. I want nothing more than to kiss her, but I’m still hesitant. What about her partner? Will she regret this? I don’t care anymore, I can’t resist. I lean over, looking into her eyes, I can sense it, she wants it too. My lips touch hers and the spark ignites. Her lips are so soft and I run my fingers over her smooth body. I’ve never felt this way with anyone before, it feels so right, so passionate. My whole body tingles as she runs her nails over my skin. Our bodies are intertwined and I can’t stop kissing her, I don’t want to stop, I just want to live in this moment forever. We lay together all night, talking to each other, learning about each other. Then she tells me she’s not with her partner anymore. I can’t even explain how I felt in that moment, a huge wave of relief hit me. I feel so comfortable, like I’ve never felt before.

Was I not crazy all along? Did she feel the same way this whole time?

Is this real life?

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